Girlintheshadow's Blog

I can’t help myself…

girlintheshadow — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 05:27:15 +0000

I miss blogging here at wordpress, since I always write only on my blogspot account. Life has been hard to me, or rather I’ve been hard to myself? I always say that I should give myself the permission to shine, but I never done it, until now. I fall in love with a married man who has a 3 yr old son. I guess it’s all my fault , first I shouldn’t let myself fall for Teet, second, I know that he is married. But what I know is that he is going to divorce her, but we are both shocked to know that he has a 3 yr son. I know he is really happy when he found out, so am I. I was just hurt by the way he treated me, he ignored all my messages, ignored my cellphone calls, and barely chatted with me, and if he does he was very cold.. I am still hurt for myself, I am grieving for myself, all those times he was in Estonia, those times that he never communicate are those times he spent with his son. I don’t blame his son and never will I ever do that, but rather I blame myself for all of this. I know I should get mad to him for treating me like that, but I understand his situation. And he is still sick. . And I love him. But should I go now? I don’t want to be a family breaker.. His son needs him. His wife loves him.. I don’t want to say goodbye to him, I don’t have the courage. Listening to Kelly Family’s I Can’t Help Myself while writing this is very heart breaking.. The lyrics of the song really says something what I feel for him.

Respect

girlintheshadow — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 09:01:37 +0000

I decided I’d write a blog tonight. I was very disappointed by this man I would name “Rat” because he look like a rat. I thought he was very nice & friendly. But as we were chatting earlier, he asked me if I’m being taught by their missionaries and if I’m going to their church, I answered him no, because that’s the truth, and I asked him why? He said that before he wasn’t at all attending their mass, but when he became active to their church, he found happiness, etc. I said that my family is a devoted Catholic, and we goes to our church and happy with that. I even told him that me and my sister always read the Bible at night, and we have this Catholic faith ever since we were born. I was waiting for his reply, he was still online and he’s still chatting with this girl I would name Transformer. Transformer because everytime there’s a cute guy around, she would Transform into this very sweet and friendly girl, she even barely recognize me when she Transformed, haha.. I pity her, really.Anyway, back to what I was writing, so he didn’t reply to me and ignored me just like that. For me it’s rude not to reply just like that when somebody’s still talking to you.. And you’re still online.. Maybe he didn’t reply because he’s busy, yeah busy. But he still talking to Transformer. Not that reason. Well, maybe the real reason is he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, because I told him I’m happy going to our church and I’m happy being a Catholic..

It’s kinda sad when two people can’t be friends just because of their religious differences. Because the other one can’t take what the other one believes. Well this is the first time I experience this, because I have a Muslim, Buddist, Iglesia ni Cristo and a Pagan friend. And we’re all fine with one another. Religion is not a matter with everyone of us, respect is what we have for one another… We have one thing in common, we all believe that there is God.

And I believe that we all have the same God. Though in different names. And different way how to pray..

One thing I know for sure, I am happy being a Catholic.

God, please play it again..

girlintheshadow — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 06:33:35 +0000

Last November 07, saturday God played it again.

I just don’t know when God’s going to play it again. I didn’t know what to do when those blue eyes stares at me, when those lips smiled only for me. I just smiled back and was awkward to do anything. We held hands for a moment and I just want to stay that way as much as we could. But hey, it’s not allowed. I was laughing and still laughing at myself whenever I remember those things that I did, I seem to break all their religious rules. I was so happy and still happy right now, I thank God for it!!

Are you inlove? I asked myself, and I answered “YES”.. I don’t know the feeling when the one you love loves you back the way you do. Maybe this is it? Well, I can’t breathe when he stares at me and my heart beat fast , when we’re together I feel so comfortable safe and home…. The feeling is so hard to explain. I hope he loves me, really. But I don’t want to expect too much from him, a lot of things might happen in just a minute, in one minute it can change your life, forever. I’m not sure if this feeling inside my heart will last forever. But love is a choice and I hope and chose to stay this way, forever. Until God play it again and again and again.

Please God, play it again.

I don’t mind being single, forever.

girlintheshadow — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 05:55:11 +0000

God speak to me this afternoon through my sister. Before I leave home, she said something out of the blue that broke my heart. I was an idiot not to think about it. But GOD loves me that HE speak through my sister before it’s too late. But I don’t regret anything that I did. Why should I anyway? I learned from it. So, now I realized that it’s not him, so who is it then? Sigh.. I know I shouldn’t be bother into thinking about that. There’s more to life, I know. But let me face it, how will I ever get the best out of life? I went home last night and I get upset, upset about everything that’s going around. I’m just trying to distract myself with a lot of things. I’m living in the shadow of someone who always make other people happy, while I’m not able to make myself really happy. Well, I don’t want to sound unappreciative, I’m thankfull for all the wonderful persons in my life right now, with every lessons learned and with the lessons I’m learning, my other part is happy but the other part is still living in the shadow. My soul is wretched. But I’m not allowing myself to drag somebody in this misery. Enough that I’m suffering. I can make it. Because God is with me. I should start living with what I want to tell my friends when they worry that at the age of 25 I’m still single, here is what I’m going to tell them, “I don’t mind being single, forever..” I should start living with that now….

Quotes from the card I sent him

girlintheshadow — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:27:47 +0000

“I know that your soul is weakend right now because of the trials you are going through.. I wish that your heart will find warmth and inspiration once again. Pray. It’ll makes healing and moving on easier, it ignites hope in the midst of your sadness. Through prayer, comfort and peace come especially in moments when you need them the most. Always know that I am here for you in prayer and if you need me to be there for you.

Thinking of you gratefully for the way you’ve shown God’s loving care, in prayer.

God wants me to know and I want you to know

girlintheshadow — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 05:41:23 +0000

Today, November 03, tuesday. God answered my question last night before I fall asleep. I asked God why does it hurt me still when I remember you? When already, I accepted the reality that you can’t love me back the way that I do. And when I’m already focusing my time on somebody else. So, this morning I opened my facebook account and click the application, “God want’s you to know..” And here is what God wants me to know….

“That every little part of you is magical.Yes, even the parts that hurt, even the ones that are feeling disease right now. It’s alright to love what is in pain. More than alright, that’s exactly where your love is needed the most. So why not touch that part that hurts and smile at it, at yourself through it, and whisper: ”I love you.”

And here is what I want you to know..

I want you to know that I always thank God for simply allowing me to know someone like you. I want you to know that I Love every little part of you, yes, every little part of you. I want you to know that I’m wishing to meet you someday and explain the stupid things I did to you, unintentionally, for I will never want to hurt you. I want you to know that I will always pray for you because I know that’s part of the reason why God allow us to meet. And I want you to know, that I exist.. Somewhere InTheShadow….

If this what you call LOVE?

girlintheshadow — Thu, 14 May 2009 05:38:55 +0000

I’ve never been really inlove before. I don’t know what love is.

Is it when you couldn’t sleep at night, because you’re thinking of only one person?

Is it when the simple message about him makes you wanna jump in your sit?

Is it when even the smallest thing he did makes your day complete?

Is it when the rain is falling so hard and you coudn’t think of any person you wish to be with you but him?

Is it when you start to forget your own feelings just to make him happy?

Is it when you pray every minute just to make sure his okay?

Is it when you want to die when you remember that he needs you? And you get up and continue to live?

Is it when you look at him in the eye and you feel like home?

Is it when everytime you pray his always the person you’re begging God to take care of?

Is it when you pray for a miracle and you remember him?

Is it when his part of the reason why you’re very close to God right now?

I don’t know..

But onething I’m sure of..

LOVE spells your name…